The Best Testament: The Book of Benjamin

Monday, January 17, 2011 4:31 PM By Stephen J Christophers

My new project: behold ~ The Best Testament: The Book of Benjamin. It will be a whole lot of parables; excerpts from a non-existent manuscript, found on-top-of-a-hill in northern Ethiopia; a fictitious concept; The Book of Benjamin, a righteous satire nonetheless:

[The Book of Benjamin: The Old Testament] In the beginning there was the, 'Evolution of Species' but we shall skip that part. It was thus, the Lord did take a week to make the moonbeams, the beautiful blue sky, all the pretty animals and old growth forests etc... Still not content, but drunk on happiness, from the feasting of the night before: So it was that God made the first man, then after... a couple of attempts at woman, He gave-up further construction, brushed his hands of it all, and took the seventh day to rest. hunted all the animals to fill her belly. He cut down all the old growth forests to build her shelter, and rest for his tired body. It was soon after to be built a public house, from which to escape his problems, with assistance from the liquid of the Gods. At home, and soon to follow, would be a second story to accommodate the growing family and mother-in-law. A sign of wealth amongst a trend of economic disparity, driven by income inequality; competition amongst the Jesus Joneses. Taking advantage of his misfortune, thus, women charged their services by the hour to hard working brothers from 'out-of-town'. As social and economic momentum increased, man found reasons enough to construct hospitals, to treat all the victims of after-hours public disorder, husband bashing and the circumstantial hazards associated with extramarital affairs: unwanted pregnancies, venereal diseases and clubbing wounds to the knees, testicles and head by angry partners. Soon to follow would be governance and authority; to corrupt matters further the social education system would condition all the little minds, "we must continue to sprout like mushrooms" in the Lords fertile soil. ...women would open hairdressers, clothing shops and dance to the beat of the latest enviro astro-turf community event sponsored by Wal-Mart and their public relations committee. Humanity would soon flourish beyond the Lords intention... The Lord did hear the words; " Hic Angel Brenda rotundus maximus wantus new iPod" in broken Latin... He did stir for a moment, but drifted back to sleep thinking it must have all been a bad dream.

[Benjamin of Jesus, the son of God and Mary of Nazareth, the mother of Jesus: a story to his disciples] "...having enough of living with animals, and now in a position to claim child support: Twas thus, Mary of Nazareth and the infant Jesus the son of God did pay a visit to the Dept. of Social Services in Bethlehem, to lay claim of child support. And, at this time, and after a long wait. A little... Chinese woman did note: "The infant Jesus did soil himself rather badly, three places to the head of the queue." Mary did indeed, after weighing up the odds, decide, the smell might by least quicken their service. When hearing of their plight, one of Benjamin's disciples did call out in haste: "Where be Joseph of Nazareth? - to offer assistance. "The gathering did respond with, “hear, hear!” (an abbreviation for, “hear, all ye good people, hear what this brilliant and eloquent speaker has to say.") and to add her five Denarius, an old woman to the back did shout: "He's right you know!" Benjamin did then mutter, under his breath: "Why do I bother with these simpletons and half-wits?" Before calmly responding: "Joseph of Nazareth is preoccupied at this stage, with gathering foodstuffs from the homeless shelter food Kitchen." And herald did the disciples, "Ohhh," in unison. And Benjamin did then proceed to get on with it.

[Benjamin:11:15~23] "...resting on a hillside Benjamin noticed by two fellows, a Jew and an Arab throwing stones at each other while arguing over a piece of land to build their house of worship ... The Lord Spoke," if only one would think to use his opponents projectiles to start construction, instead of throwing them back, his success would be assured." Benjamin laughed, saying, "your on form today."

[Benjamin to his disciples] ... and there's no point just being bad at something, you see, the Lord loves to employ people who are more or less incompetent at what they do. It gives his management team a sense of higher function, the excuse to build a team and create a system around it. To avoid a job, you must be absolutely shameless in your incompetency towards it...

[The Book of Benjamin: The Hebrew Language Edition Vlll, with fifty-two page colour supplement: Guide to Kosher Restaurants in West Jerusalem; discount coupons and fold-out map inclusive] A wise man once said: " the end of the day, without money, or some goats for market, you will starve to death: friends, will only assist you in getting to your final destination, a little faster."

[The Book of Benjamin: Reflections on the Official Jenny Craig Pamphlet] "Without a healthy love of art and creativity one is merely an overweight Australian complaining about the price of margarine at Coles. It is a state of mental existence that shapes us. Not a slogan, a hotline number and a one month FREE membership offer.

[The Book of Benjamin: Ronald & Brenda's Wedding Reception] And, the Lord was singing along to the Bee Gees... "How deep is your love...?"

[Benjamin:4:1~5] That night, Benjamin did go-a-feasting with The Twelve Apostles: Tim Burton, Nick Cave, Hunter S. Thompson, Bill Hicks, John Forbes Nash, Jr., Scroobius Pip, Michael Leunig, Thomas L. Friedman, Banksy, DubFX, Leonard Cohen and Herbert Ralph "Herb" Peterson; and the Lord did get an early night, as he had to be up for work in the morning.

[Benjamin:4:7~9] "...the party had eaten too much bread and wine and did suffer from heartburn the next day."

[The Book of Benjamin the Omnibus Edition] Benjamin to the Lord: And, it was said; if it looks like an ant, walks like an ant, and generally does ant stuff, it's most likely an ant. You'd probably be wasting your time witnessing to it the evils thus gainfully employed to target your Parma Ham Focaccia, and best put it in the fridge, out of reach.

[Benjamin: 7:7~12] ...and the Lord said: "Build it and they will come." And Benjamin did reply: "Who? I need a little more clarity on that one... spambots, identity thieves, 'The Wiggles', work-from-home housewives sporting a link exchange proposal for their Wordpress knitting website... maybe, an Australian or two... the Chinese... Jim Henson's fucken Muppets?" ...and the Lord replied: "There's just no helping you today, your evil!"

[The Book of Benjamin: a documented fact-finding mission for the movie] Benjamin to the Lord: What's Heaven like then? ... just and overview, nothing too detailed. And, the Lord did reply: Well, there's a section to the north for Church of England, and to the South Catholics and Protestants - there's a little trouble of cause, there... Although, I leave it for them to fight it out amongst themselves. The Jehovah's Witnesses float around in Hot Air Balloons. The Mormons, well, what can you do? Oh, and I've managed to squeeze the rest in here and there - have you seen... let me think... Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, with the Oompa-Loompas, that break out into song on occasions? I'm trying to integrate that idea into my Change Management Strategy... that's the general picture anyway. Benjamin: a lot like the European Economic Community, one might say?

[Benjamin:11:12~15] "Approaching two beggars in the street; the Lord whispered into Benjamin's ear, "There are a group of clean, wealthy looking Asian/Christian types over yonder, they could also be well connected, should we not make haste in that direction?"

[The Book of Benjamin: Idiots Edition 2.1.0] ...and Benjamin turned to the Lord and said; "...this man is clearly in some distress, should we not help him to safer ground?" ...and the Lord replied; "He who repents, shall enter into the Kingdom of Heaven." Benjamin: "He clearly needs a Hospital, on first accounts; to be aside his wife and children, and by resemblance of girth and appearence, that little old woman talking to herself - she could be the mother in-law. They might be lost without him..."

[The Book of Benjamin: Benjamin's Inflatable Inner Tube] The Lord unhappy with everybody's happiness did send a Tropical Cyclone into the little town: It came to pass, Benjamin being forewarned by RSOE - Emergency and Disaster Information Service did prepare his inflatable inner tube by writing on it "I TOLD YOU SO!" in permanent marker. And thus, upon the rising water did float forth. Thereafter, feasting from the abundants of vacuum sealed foodstuffs adrift from the numerous FamilyMarts in the little town, as he floated on, to higher ground. Footnote: Benjamin was sadly unable to save his friends Louis Vuitton handbag as it floated off into the distance out of sight.

[Benjamin: The Australian Tour - Down Under] And, Benjamin did use a quote, from the movie, Fight Club: "You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." Benjamin does finish his sermons by saying; "Hallelujah praise the Lord!" And, the congregation did fall into a deep silence...

[The Book of Benjamin: Australian Edition sponsored by Costa's Garden Odyssey] ...and Brenda did request Holy Water and a selection of herbs from Costa's community garden in ballarat be used for her herbal enema... and a mission of three were sent, and did not return for three and a half moons.

[Benjamin:6:3~7] "...he had travelled the world for over twenty years, learned new tongues, embraced different cultures and religions, social values and economic systems. "I feel you are not suitable for this position, without an RSI Health and Safety Certificate," said the lady from Human Resources, repeatedly.

[Benjamin:44:12~15] "...and then all of a sudden it went ever-so dark. and then light, and then dark, and light ... the old man shouted, "stop playing with the light switch."

[The Book of Benjamin: The Baptism] Ask yourself the question: "When did you, last use a McDonald's drive-thru? And, the angel of d's-yu-vee did baptise the child; it was thus to be used a humble ice-cube from a discarded Triple Cheeseburger Meal Deal... Before the anointing: ...and, an ice-cube from the super size coke was blessed by the angel of the Lord, and the gathering did join by praying in tongues..." and so on.

‎[Benjamin:88:2~8] "Madam, you have voyaged south of my opinions; where Jove bestows thee like Tiena-Pedis on sodden Budgie-smugglers!"

[Benjamin: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Southeast Asia] Benjamin did note, and mention in passing to the Lord, Buddha [Him] does have better taste in women.

[Benjamin: The Book of Ages] ...and the father did cough and splutter, saying,"you shall fuck-off when you turn eighteen, we shall want nothing more to do with you."

[Benjamin: The Book of Ages] Seeing Adam was very lonely in the Garden of Eden, the Lord did take one of his ribs, and fashioned a woman from it; a middle age-woman, she was terribly over weight, and showed a disposition towards Human Resources. He named her Brenda. Adam in pain, was terribly unhappy with the result and asked him to take another shot at it.

[Benjamin: The Book of Ages] "...and Benjamin pointed, saying, there will be men wearing Baby Slings; Maya Baby Wraps; Ergo Baby Carriers; Moby Wraps; One Love Baby Carriers; Beco Baby Backpacks... and everyone will fall about and piss themselves laughing."

‎[Benjamin:21:1~15] The three wise men ... When they saw that the star had stopped, they were overwhelmed with joy. On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary, his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts ... a Kalashnikov, half a pound of Afghan Black and a 17-year-old Moroccan belly dancer, named Ruby. And having been warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they left for their own country by another path.

‎[Benjamin: The Book of Ages]...and Benjamin wrote, "remember, questions are everywhere, and answers are thus the result of a collapse in the wave function." ...and, the Lord spake saying: "can we not put in this chapter, a man called Elijah, a wise man, yet one cursed with male pattern baldness. ...and female bears, mauling Children to death ... please, Benjamin."

[Benjamin:11:3-12]"Travelling east, Benjamin did observe a crowd of over one hundred strong; young women standing on the footpath outside a large building in the bitter cold, hands clasped, more so from the chill, than in prayer. There was an air of dread and anguish, not a happy sight at all. A sign read on the wall, above the doorway - (Studio 1/Door A - Female Rehearsal) The World's Got Talent. From inside, the faint sound of crying and screaming could be heard ... as he passed by the eery scene Benjamin whistled, and the Lord joined in song: "I want to be a Billionaire..."

[Benjamin: Psalms 11:03] ...and the Lord did try to palm off Janice, a lady with a homely appearance and abundant personality, and Benjamin was having none of it.

‎[Benjamin: The Book of Ages] To be greatly anticipated the billboard heralded. Children whispered enthusiastically about it in the playground; likewise, the parents over their morning coffee. On show day: the auditorium was in hush, as the performer faced the crowd … it made the headlines the next day! “…the glass bottle struck his head.”

[Benjamin: the guide to love and other mysteries of the universe] ...and on the sixth day the Lord did make coyote dancers, along with some other stuff, and Benjamin did say; "Well, you got that one right."

[Benjamin: The Book of Revelations] He'd spanked his wife immeasurably after shouting the F-word at him, and his actions only provoked more cursing, thinking they must both be crazy to had enjoyed such an altercation; they were soon to be-found sitting on Benjamin's leather couch, hunting for marital advice. Benjamin did advise: next thou shalt use, a mouth gag, leather collars, nipple clamps and a large whip.. and there will be a "safe-word" ... something like ... 'Harder!'

[Benjamin: The Book of Ages] Over his empty glass, the old man muttered, “Son, you will learn to respect women, as I, and this will make you a man,” The sons retort: “You‘re a fool, and a drunk!” A pause … the old man shouted, “Woman, another drink!” She replied, “Whiskey or ale, my darling!”

[Benjamin:12:1~4] The King came across two groups of men facing off, and shouting at each other in turn, "I'm better than you!" ... "No, I'm better than you!" "What is this?" he asked. "They call it Football, my Lord..." a spectator shouted.

[Benjamin: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Southeast Asia] "When I go to a new country, I just try to blend in like; like a Ming Dynasty Vase in a Victorian Coal Miners Cottage - before auntie Beryl found it, and whisked it off to a valuation down at the Antiques Road Show."

[The Book of Benjamin: Travel Guide for Lost Souls] Guided by the hand of a "Triple-Cheese Burger Meal Deal" Benjamin did venture down to a small fire on the sands of Lamai Beach, Koh Samui, where a gathering of his disciples were awaiting enlightenment: There in great anticipation, the crowd did fall silent as a trembling voice did quietly ask; "Benjamin... if thou will, might we hear a discourse on the place one refers to as, "Hell on Earth?" Benjamin did ponder upon this request for a moment, then did take a large stick from a "Bodhi Tree" and slowly draw a map in the soft moonlit sands, and point to it... a quiet hush fell over the peoples, at which point Benjamin did hail thrice, in native phonetics, "ə-STRAYL-yə! ə-STRAYL-yə! ə-STRAYL-yə!" His disciples did then quietly utter Benjamin's impart amongst themselves with great enthusiasm. As Benjamin positioned his large inflatable inner tube a little deeper into the sand for maximum comfort.

[Benjamin: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Southeast Asia] Sitting in an Internet cafe, in Bangkok, next to a beautiful young Thai girl selling futures to an old foreign man over Skype: using such a sure and deserving intonation and excessive cleavage, one might almost forget, having basic English and a background in farming could be of any great obstacle to her success. Her self assurance prompted Benjamin to believe that her biggest obstacle is the ability to double, if not triple her investor portfolio over the coming quarter ... and the Lord was busy looking at her assets, and contemplating short-term returns, and his personal investment in such.

[Benjamin: The Book of Global Architecture - a laminated bathroom book project] "He who lives in an Asbestos home should not throw stones." Benjamin would recommend however: ball games at your local park, prior to the application of, U-PVC or Colorbond weatherboard cladding, which comes in a variety of colonial and heritage color schemes - Amen.

[Benjamin: Through the Round Window: a piece written for The ABC Children's, Play School series] At my petrol station there's an old man who sells gasoline out of whiskey bottles, from the side of the road. He has a stereo-system made from an old guitar and car radio. Sometimes he's asleep and you need to blow your horn ... Beeep! "Sawatdee Khrab!" Sometimes, after school his grandchildren help him. They fill-up your tank using an old coke bottle as a funnel, Glug. Glug. Glug. Then they take your money - gasoline 20 Baht a bottle... it's best you speak Thai at my petrol station. What language do they speak at your petrol station? Does anyone speak at your petrol station? I often talk to the Filipino lady who works the night-shift at my petrol station, she's my friend, we went to Laos together, to get our migrant workers Visa for Thailand.

[Book of Benjamin: The ESL & English Teachers' Guide to China & Taiwan] (Page: 10) 4, Verse 3: "The wheels on the bus go round and round."

[Benjamin to his mother: The One Hundred and Sixty Fifth entry from, The New Kingdom, The Parables of Revelations] "...bacon, two eggs, coffee and toast."

[Benjamin:56:12~14] ...and Benjamin said ponderously unto the Lord, "have you ever met a wise man with 2.3 kids and a wife?" The Lord replied, "No, I can't say I have."

[Benjamin: The Guide to Micro and Macro-Economics] ...the Lord being unhappy with Benjamin - that day - did kick a big dog very hard ... And as a result, it did run barking into the middle of the road, and stop. Where Benjamin, unable to stop his motorcycle in time, did hit it, then fall with great pain and injuries from it, into a pile onto the side of the road ... after some days of rehabilitation, Benjamin did pick the resulting scab - on his knee - into a map of Australia. But, unfortunately, lost Tasmania the following afternoon, with Queensland holding on by a hair. [A day or two later] The Lord, happy with the result of his work, decided to drop the ASX200Market listing by -0.40% to 4.607 points at closing.

‎[Benjamin:37:1~4] "Hide behind rocks, to indulge the humor of misery and the masses on man; but, remove fear, take the stage, speak truth, and you shall fly like a duck." ... after a long silence Benjamin made the sound of a duck and spoke no more.

[Benjamin: The Cook Book] Five Minutes Vegetarian Microwave Spaghetti Bolognese:100g Spaghetti; three table spoons of Ragú® Pasta Sauce; two tablespoons of chunky salsa; Pamazan Cheese; a splash of olive oil and fresh Basil.Microwave Spaghetti until cooked, add sauces and microwave again for one minute remove and add generously Pamazan Cheese with a splash of olive oil and Basil. "...and thou shalt have little Microwaves enough for thy food, for the food of thy household, and maintenance of thy maidens."

[Benjamin:6:1~5] The Lord did say, "Go now Noah, buy a Toyota Hi-Ace - they float - and you shall fill it with reproduction electrical equipment from China, and all manor of consumables ... stick a sign on it, and drive it around the housing estates ... it shall be called: Noah's Ark™, and you shall charge your services by the hour."

‎[Benjamin: The Book of Ages] "...let it be said: he who knows me, be sure, there will come a time; a time, when finding me, is far easier a task, than summoning the currency for a microwave curry at your local FamilyMart."

[Benjamin of Facebook] Let them who uses not pictures of children to bolster normative desires; to stratify and subjugate in subgroups; peer and/or interdependent relationships for the advantage of personal worth ahead of the exhaustion of natural resources cast the first fridge magnet. Blessed be Jehovah out of Zion, who dwelleth at Jerusalem, from eternity and to eternity! And let all the people say, Amen! Hallelujah!

[Benjamin the teenage years]"O' Wench: Of all thy delights herein the garden of Jove; she stands a wisp of a tree, neither of sturdy trunk, or deep of root; thine doth indeed, bear fruits man hungers to feast of most."

[Benjamin to his mother] "Behold ~ my brother who be fat and I skinny, he does eat too much or I too little; do we have different fathers?"

[Benjamin: The Book of Revelations] "My ambition thus, extends far and beyond the laziness of my peers."

‎[Benjamin: The End of Days] "...hear my warnings: there will come a plague, and it shall consume everything; our future, our dreams, our land, our homes, jobs, social security, health care, commonsense, logic and ham and pineapple take-away Pizza; and, it shall be refered to as, the Baby Boomer generation."

[Benjamin: The End of Days] ...and the Lord thundered from above, "it is now my time to play the sheep and you the Shepard."

[Benjamin: The End of Days] It was a hot day, the day Sally made her last trip to the ice-cream van – her mother shouting from the window, “…and a double ninety-nine for your brother!” Young Sally, had her mind on the prize, that day, as she ran quickly between two parked cars, unaware of the passing Bus.

[The anointing of the Scribes and Pharisees] ...and it came to pass: we shall hold aloft unrighteousness, to assure our righteousness exceeds that of the Scribes and Pharisees, and we will indeed enter into the kingdom of Heaven.

[Benjamin:2:12~15] Let the light of man so shine before you, that you may see their good works and chastise them.

[Interview for the New Book of Benjamin (Leather Bound and Gold Plated) - Interpretations by Contemporary Philosophers Edition: Prefix by Stephen J. Christophers] "I just wanted to create something on the same artistic level as... well, something that would open peoples minds, anyway... and 'allude' to the creation, an idea, and one which resonates at around the same frequency as, say, Primal Scream's album, "Screamadelica"...but, beyond that... I think, and I dare say, that I have." -- Stephen J. Christophers